To
preface this blog post with some background, I was “born and raised” in a
Southern Baptist church. From the time I
was an infant, I was in church nearly every time the doors were opened. My mother was in church with me as were my
maternal grandparents. My father, as
the story is told, quit church when I was born because he was angry with God
because I (as his first child) was a girl and not a boy (that’s another later
blog post which will be titled “Daddy Issues” or something to that effect.)
Anyway,
being raised in a Southern Baptist church in the 70’s and 80’s, I know proper
Southern Baptist church etiquette- I shall not make noise in church (no
clapping, raising of hands, or other displays of emotion), I shall not question
my beliefs as they’ve been stated to me. I shall not dance (because it is “dry
sex” - whatever that means.) I shall
sing from the Baptist Hymnal and I shall know most of the words to those
songs in that book without looking. I
shall not drink alcohol. That’s pretty much what I gained from the Southern
Baptist experience, oh yeah, except “Once you’re saved, you’re always saved,” the
concept of which still behooves me (again, another blog post.) Also, when I was a teenager, I gained my most
intriguing concept of the Southern Baptist church, which was, “Jules, you can
try to fit in, but you don’t really matter.”
It seemed no matter how hard I tried; I was excluded from the group. Was it because my family did not have as much
money as the other families? Was I offensive in some way? I will never know, but I will always remember
the feeling of showing up sometimes to their activities, but never really being
included. I still don’t know why I was
excluded, and I am 46 years old so that exclusion really doesn’t matter
anymore. Except that is does because I
still feel excluded in church.
I
was an active member in a church (which I shall not name) for many years. I can’t remember how many, but I know it was
more than 10. Two of my children were Baptized in that church and the other was
“dedicated” as an infant. I gave money to that church regularly; I attended
“Sunday School” (or “Life Group”) classes off and on, I was in the worship
service nearly every Sunday, I had regular, monthly nursery duty, I volunteered
in VBS almost every year.
A few years ago, I quit going to that
church. There were a bunch of different
reasons why I quit going (many are personal and most are boring.) But I did quit going to that church. My daughter (Macy, 16) however remains at
that church. She attends activities and
trips with the youth group, even though I never attend. Recently, however, she was speaking in the
worship service about a youth trip she had been on. My baby girl is speaking in church? I need to go. So off to my old church I went! It was awkward at first. It was angering! Here I was after not attending for over 3
years. Some people who still knew me
called me by name, but not one of these people in the 3+ years I’ve been amiss has
ever contacted me or reached out to me in any way to see what happened, why I
no longer help with their nursery, give money, or sit in their worship service!
Hmmmm….
Am I invisible? Clearly I’m not because some people do remember me. I came to the conclusion that in this particular church (as the Baptist church I spoke of earlier) I just don’t matter.
Am I invisible? Clearly I’m not because some people do remember me. I came to the conclusion that in this particular church (as the Baptist church I spoke of earlier) I just don’t matter.
As I always did in that church that I loved
for 10+ years, I was energized and
immersed with their musical worship. They were pulling me in as they had done a
thousand times before. Sing these songs,
Jules, from this PowerPoint and projector.
Listen to our 5-piece worship band.
Clap your hands, move around. You
will like it. And I did! The substitute pastor was even great too as
he spoke from Matthew 1. All the while
knowing, if I never attend this church again in my whole life, I will not miss
it and they will not miss me.
As
I was siting there I was contemplating all this and thinking about who does
matter in church? I’m not sure. From what I saw in my recent visit, the
picture perfect families matter – the ones joining the church or being baptized
whose children are spaced appropriately apart and they look really good in
pictures. Families with mothers who
don’t work outside the home, they matter.
The single man (by himself) or the single woman with kids she has
trouble supporting, they matter. Those
who can sing or play an instrument in the worship band, they matter. That teenage girl whose parents don’t attend
but she still attends faithfully (Macy Alexander) – she matters. I however, don’t matter. And it’s ok.
Because I do matter to God and that’s far better than mattering at
church. “I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were
born.” Isaiah 44:2a (CEV). “The Lord has made everything for his own
purpose.” Proverbs 16:4a (GW)
Will
I attend church again? Yes, I will. I have a church in mind and have visited
there once. I owe it to my 10-year-old
daughter to get her back in church and give her that church background, which
is irreplaceable. Will I matter in the
new church? I seriously doubt it. On my recent one time visit, I did not seem
to matter. But I will go most every week, I will give
money and I will volunteer where I can; not because I matter, but because my
child does matter to God and to me. I believe it’s important for her to have those
experiences that can only come from organized religion.
In
closing, it is my hope that your experiences in organized religion have been
better than mine. I hope your
congregational experiences have left you with a great feeling about church and
not feeling empty and bitter because, my friend, whether you matter in church or
not, you do matter to God.
Thanks
for reading!